Ramblings from no-one

A post about nothing and everything. An hour’s writing challenge

I have got this bug to write tonight so I’m going to write continuously for the next hour.

I don’t know what has exactly inspired me, it’s just the simple fact that I enjoy it and that I feel that I have a good vocabulary and hopefully a somewhat creative mind.

Tonight I listened to a podcast about trolling. Now trolling if you recall is the act of causing arguments online and having very provocative behaviour. This for some people they regard as antisocial (me included) and some of the trolls as prosocial. This surprised me greatly however I can see that if tempers do not get too frayed then inevitably a greater discussion can occur.

In this podcast they also used the real life example of Zimbado’s Stanford Prison Experiment where he analysed human behaviour in a mock prison he set up in the psychology labs where he worked and did his research. This showed that when n groups people lose their sense of self and get de individuated. This must also be true of those internet trolls who therefore see themselves as some sort of force of good together bringing forth better and more varied discussion online or indeed hatred anger and racism.

I also started creating a digital collage of things that make up me to show to a friend. When I say digital I mean pasted images off of Google but what the heck. It was therapeutic in making me understand who I am and what struggles I feel I am now facing because this month has been horrible.

This month I’ve felt the lowest I ever had had at least three mental breakdowns and just found it difficult to operate. I’ve lost a friend who I valued greatly but honestly our friendship was not that healthy anyway. I vow never to get love mixed up with friendships ever again, it just turns nasty!

Now this is time where I have writer’s block.

Here’s an idea I’ll tell you that two friends of mine have come to my aid in helping me focus and feel better about myself. This thing I’ve gone through and am still going through is going to make me a better person I can feel it. I will try to never neglect these two people again and to them I am sorry.

I’m sitting here just listening to the whir of my laptop fans knowing that I’m getting a new one on Tuesday which for a geek like me is very exciting! I will get to try that new fangled Windows 8 all be it without a touch screen however I have the idea to remotely connect to it from my tablet to see if that’ll do the trick for the touchy side of things when I need them.

This whole hour writing challenge is hard I’ve almost run out of things to say really.

I am however going to at some point next week when I have the time and courage email that friend I’ve lost detailing everything I feel about the past present and future of us. I am not planning to write angrily I assure you. Just to tell her the truth and see what she wants to do if anything.

Otherwise I’ve had to cope with some changing desires of mine things I have never blogged about and well it’s very difficult. All I can say is I want to feel loved comforted and cared for in this horrendous time. That is I am sad to say only half achieved in my opinion. What I’m lacking most is a physical hug and maybe a shoulder to cry on to. I miss that a lot. The trouble with being male is that I’d have to do that with someone I had feelings for otherwise I don’t want anything surfacing when I’m with someone.

It’s awkward love and feelings like that, I even contemplated what it would be like to kiss (without tongues) one of those two friends that helped me. Just made me realise how little I obviously loved this other friend of mine and she was right that maybe my feelings for her were ‘shit’. Her words not mine. 

I have just over half an hour to go.

I’d been debating whether or not to see the GP but I’m scared of telling them and nearly everyone the whole truth about me. I’d be ridiculed and teased and hated for what I am in to. In the end I just want someone who I love and would want to share my whole life with to accept that side of me as much as anything else I am. 

It almost happened with an ex girlfriend of mine but we broke up because neither of us loved each other wholeheartedly. She found me boring and I well when being ignored used the friend I lost as a cushion pillow and security blanket. Now I’ve lost that and I feel weird without it.

I would love to one day stand in front of the person who I love wholeheartedly as the person I truly am and say ‘I love you’. That’s all I wish for. I’m family orientated. All I want is a good job loving wife and a daughter I can call my own. Not a son though I can’t deal with males as well due to living with my mum for so many years and somehow always finding myself in very female dominant environments. At work I share an office with two women and the small team we have only compromises of two men. The other one being fifty (almost) with four kids and a wife. Men scare me because my father scared me as a child. I may like him a lot more now but then it was difficult to not fear him when he was rough with me. He has however to my knowledge never been violent with me.

What I am in to and what makes me me is a psychological disorder and that annoys me as any psychologist would try to ‘cure’ me in an instant. It is however extremely common for people like me to have very disturbed childhoods. Mine was weird I must admit. Being disabled meant I developed later on the mobility and toilet training side. I was fully a child only when I was seven. Four years too late I guess. Another reason why I am the way I am.

My cat came in earlier by pawing at my door and has since the end of the last paragraph but one been distracting me with his purring and overall cuteness. I do love cats as they are so independent and very easy to care for and I vow that I will when I have my own house have a cat as they also have very interesting personalities. My cat is really crazy. He kind of loves to pounce on you when you least expect it or hide under a bed and paw you as you go past. He also loves dogs as he was born near one that he and his siblings took to be their father so you will often see him playing with my dogs. Strange I know.

I deactivated Facebook today as I couldn’t face talking to that friend I lost any more and without her Facebook was practically meaningless. I have today resorted to using Twitter more but I cannot see its potential. This whole social network thing bugs me sometimes. I do indeed want to share things with people but the utter meaningless drivel that people share sometimes is not something I want to see.It makes me wonder why I waste my time on them as there is more to do in life.

I have conceded to the fact I must share this with that friend of mine as she ought to know what I’ve said about that whole situation. I honestly just want our friendship to be more meaningful to the both of us. I don’t want to love her any more in the way I did as it won’t help me find someone new. But at the same time I want to support her to grow and be a better person and tell her if there’s something I believe she is doing right or wrong. Of course it is up to her to listen to what I say. 

My hour is almost up and this has been truly therapeutic I just hope next week can be better as I’m fed up of feeling so forlorn all the time. I just want to feel loved valued and care for in a way that benefits both the carer and receiver. It has been a pleasure to finally share my thoughts and opinions. 

Good night (or day depending on when you are reading this).